[locked from Rory]

[sandandwater]

I know I'm being childish here but I can't help it.

I've been wandering around Alessandro's empty house all morning. He wanted me to go with him to Mass but I just can't do that. It makes me feel even smaller than I already do to sit in an nearly ancient Cathedral and listen to some wizened old relic carry on in a language I barely speak (Latin) about damnation and guilt, knowing I have more than my fair share of what the Catholic Church would consider sin on my soul.

That's not really what I am being childish about though, cowardly maybe but not childish.

No, it's Ro.

He didn't ask me to stay. Didn't ask me not to go. He didn't come after me to ask me to come back to New York either.

It's not that I left just so he would chase me. It's not that at all. I don't know what I would have done had he asked me to stay or had he shown up here asking me to return.

I'm not making much sense.

I do keep wondering if part of him is glad that I'm gone. I'm so scared that he is.

Comments

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

Um. He's not.

Not glad you're gone, I mean.

Hi, Pippa.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Hi, Sascha.

Did he tell you that?

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

He did. Mostly with his eyes and his guitar.

The other day I came across him turning one of those glittery guitar picks over in his fingers. Like the one you made into a necklace? He was just staring at it with the saddest look I've ever seen on his face.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I don't want him to be so unhappy, Sascha. I don't. I wish things could be different. We tried and we couldn't...I couldn't make it work.

I hope he knows I love him.

That guitar pick necklace has more to do with things than you can possibly imagine.

How are you? Kreske said you all spent New Year's together?

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

He said you're doing something you have to do, and that you need something he can't give you, no matter how badly he wants to.

I think he's still hoping you'll come back.

I'm pretty good. Yeah, we all had fun at The Columns. There were a few weird moments, but I got a lot of dancing in.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

What do you mean weird?

I can't. I felt like I was dying there.

No, he can't. He's certainly not a master gaffer. And he isn't going to be there, Sascha. None of you are and that's not anything for him to feel badly about. I know he wants his music more than anything, and I'm glad he has you. I'm glad he's getting what he wants there.

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

Oh, the guy Junie was with basically picked a fight and broke up with her on the dance floor, which I thought was just the height of crass. And there was this crazy blonde chick who kept making rude comments. I swear, some people use New Years as an excuse to just go off.

Dying?

The music ... he wants it, yeah, but I don't know that he wants it more than you. He knows he's made a commitment, y'know? To the band, to the record company, and I think he thinks it would be selfish to run out on that to chase something else he wants.

Maybe. I don't know, I'm just going off what I know about him and how he acts.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Dave dating blondes now? And I agree with you, no one should hold their arguments in a public arena, that's beyond the pale, really. Is Junie alright? I imagine she was in a fit of pique after that.

Trapped, smothered, unable to escape a lot of bad and painful memories.

Oh, Sascha. I know him too and I know he wants it. I can feel it rolling off him in waves when he talks about it, I would never take that from him. I know too well how much it hurts not to be able to give into your creative passions. I never want him to feel like that.

Do you think it would be a bad idea for me to call him?

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

Nah, Dave went stag. And yeah, Junie said she cut loose with both sides of her heritage. But she's fine, if frustrated. Apparently the dude was not only getting dictatorial when they hadn't even been seeing each other that long, he made some smarmy insinuations about her and Rory. I don't blame her for getting mad.

... oh.

I know, but a lot of good things radiate off him when he talks about you, too.

You're right that he should never be separated from his music, though. That would make him less ... him.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I'm sure he has such glowing things to say about me at the moment.

...Rory and Junie? As in...oh.

Where did the blonde come from then?

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

He doesn't have anything bad to say, Pippa. He's just sad.

Yeah, the guy was being a dick. I mean it is so not even like that with them.

The blonde? She wasn't with any of us. But Peter Webster-- you know, the guy who put up a Breaker Street fansite? --he was hanging out with us, dancing with me, that kind of thing. Blondie has some kind of issues with him apparently, and decided to vent. Like I said, crazy.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Peter...right. Well, I can venture a guess as to what her issues with him are, and I'm not so sure I'd be quick to call her crazy.

I miss Rory too.

Tell me about something else, what's going on in your life? Are you still seeing that guy? Double-date...his name slips my mind.

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

Well, her timing sucked then. All he was doing when she pitched her hissy was dancing with me.

Randy? Nooooo way hon. I am blissfully unattached at the moment, she said with an ironic eyeroll.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

So you aren't all that thrilled with being unattached, I take it.

To be quite honest, you can do much better than Randy. He was nice enough, I suppose but somewhat dull.

[breaker-street.livejournal.com]

Not too thrilled although ... I try not to stress about it, you know? It's practically a cliche, the twentysomething girl freaking out because she doesn't have a boyfriend. I don't want that to be me.

Dull and so convinced he was right about everything. I just couldn't take him seriously after a while.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Before you know it, you'll have to beat guys off with a stick. Or make Dave do that for you.

And now you know why I didn't date anyone for close to six years before I met Ro.