sandandwater

Um. He's not.

Not glad you're gone, I mean.

Hi, Pippa.

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Hi, Sascha.

Did he tell you that?

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He did. Mostly with his eyes and his guitar.

The other day I came across him turning one of those glittery guitar picks over in his fingers. Like the one you made into a necklace? He was just staring at it with the saddest look I've ever seen on his face.

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I don't want him to be so unhappy, Sascha. I don't. I wish things could be different. We tried and we couldn't...I couldn't make it work.

I hope he knows I love him.

~~That guitar pick necklace has more to do with things than you can possibly imagine.~~

How are you? Kreske said you all spent New Year's together?

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He said you're doing something you have to do, and that you need something he can't give you, no matter how badly he wants to.

~~I think he's still hoping you'll come back.~~

I'm pretty good. Yeah, we all had fun at The Columns. There were a few weird moments, but I got a lot of dancing in.

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What do you mean weird?

~~I can't. I felt like I was dying there.~~

No, he can't. He's certainly not a master gaffer. And he isn't going to be there, Sascha. None of you are and that's not anything for him to feel badly about. I know he wants his music more than anything, and I'm glad he has you. I'm glad he's getting what he wants there.

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Oh, the guy Junie was with basically picked a fight and broke up with her on the dance floor, which I thought was just the height of crass. And there was this crazy blonde chick who kept making rude comments. I swear, some people use New Years as an excuse to just go off.

~~Dying?~~

The music ... he wants it, yeah, but I don't know that he wants it more than you. He knows he's made a commitment, y'know? To the band, to the record company, and I think he thinks it would be selfish to run out on that to chase something else he wants.

Maybe. I don't know, I'm just going off what I know about him and how he acts.

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Dave dating blondes now? And I agree with you, no one should hold their arguments in a public arena, that's beyond the pale, really. Is Junie alright? I imagine she was in a fit of pique after that.

~~Trapped, smothered, unable to escape a lot of bad and painful memories.~~

Oh, Sascha. I know him too and I know he wants it. I can feel it rolling off him in waves when he talks about it, I would never take that from him. I know too well how much it hurts not to be able to give into your creative passions. I never want him to feel like that.

Do you think it would be a bad idea for me to call him?

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Nah, Dave went stag. And yeah, Junie said she cut loose with both sides of her heritage. But she's fine, if frustrated. Apparently the dude was not only getting dictatorial when they hadn't even been seeing each other that long, he made some smarmy insinuations about her and Rory. I don't blame her for getting mad.

~~... oh.~~

I know, but a lot of good things radiate off him when he talks about you, too.

You're right that he should never be separated from his music, though. That would make him less ... him.

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I'm sure he has such glowing things to say about me at the moment.

...Rory and Junie? As in...oh.

Where did the blonde come from then?

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He doesn't have anything bad to say, Pippa. He's just sad.

Yeah, the guy was being a dick. I mean it is so not even like that with them.

The blonde? She wasn't with any of us. But Peter Webster-- you know, the guy who put up a Breaker Street fansite? --he was hanging out with us, dancing with me, that kind of thing. Blondie has some kind of issues with him apparently, and decided to vent. Like I said, crazy.

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Peter...right. Well, I can venture a guess as to what her issues with him are, and I'm not so sure I'd be quick to call her crazy.

I miss Rory too.

Tell me about something else, what's going on in your life? Are you still seeing that guy? Double-date...his name slips my mind.

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Well, her timing sucked then. All he was doing when she pitched her hissy was dancing with me.

Randy? Nooooo way hon. I am blissfully unattached at the moment, she said with an ironic eyeroll.

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So you aren't all that thrilled with being unattached, I take it.

To be quite honest, you can do much better than Randy. He was nice enough, I suppose but somewhat dull.

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Not too thrilled although ... I try not to stress about it, you know? It's practically a cliche, the twentysomething girl freaking out because she doesn't have a boyfriend. I don't want that to be me.

Dull and so convinced he was right about everything. I just couldn't take him seriously after a while.

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Before you know it, you'll have to beat guys off with a stick. Or make Dave do that for you.

And now you know why I didn't date anyone for close to six years before I met Ro.

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I don't think he does. Not that I know him, of course, so I may be way off.

[locked]
But you don't do something like... what he did, for somebody you're with, just to want them gone.

And I'd venture to say he wants what's good for you. Like... I told you earlier I was the guy who was asked to go. When I was told she saw no hope and I should just... leave? No matter how much I wanted something else? Well it was the good thing for her, the sane and healthy thing. And I couldn't drag her out on the road with me, what she had there - her home, her job - was too good for me to break.

Your going to Venice... getting the hang of what you love doing again? You need that, and even if I can tell that? Probably so can he. It's a stupid fine edge between caring for somebody, wanting to be with them - and egoistically keeping what 'belongs to you' (which is stupid, because nobody belongs to anybody else) nearby. There are like fifty different clichés I can come up with here. But in the end... It's not wanting you gone. It's wanting you well, and knowing he can't give you what will make you well.

And sometimes when one has to choose, both choices suck and hurt those affected by them.

... and I've been up way too long reading way too much ~~thanks to the smiting~~ and I'm sorry for the long ramble. I hope it makes some sense and... even maybe helps a bit.

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I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call him for no reason, that he isn't going to just drop by, that he won't call me without reason. I'm lonely for him, in the worst of ways and I think I'm only now starting to feel the distance I put between us.

[locked]

Oh, Dean. He wouldn't have done what he did if it weren't for me. Sometimes I think I turned him into a murdering monster. How could he not want me out of his life for that?

I'm sorry you even know what this is like. At all. It's so unfair to find a person you can truly connect with only to find that you still can't be together.

I do need to be here, for my art and for my sanity. I know that. The longer I stayed on Staten Island the more I felt like I was losing my mind. Everything there was a reminder of what I had and what was ruined which in turn only made me think of what had happened. There was no escape. My safe place wasn't safe any more.

And now I am the one rambling. I'm sorry.

You do help. More than you know.

Do I want to ask what you've been reading?

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I... unless you ended up with a big fight or something, I'd venture to say you could call him for no reason. ~~I've been told that~~ friends do that too, not just people in couples. Sure it'd be awkward. But you'd hear his voice, and know he's all right. Not quite what dad and I did when Sam was off to school, but you can't exactly drive up and watch him, so... another version. Just try to not fight.

[locked]
It doesn't... quite work that way, I don't think. He may have done it for you, but he did it because of that... person's action. Yeah, he got the worst fate and all, but it's his fault and not yours, his actions that resulted in Rory retaliating. Not yours. Not anything you did. If he did want you out of his life... no. I don't think he does. Emphatically the other way around, I think. Just my two cents.
... what's the equivalent of cents over there? I didn't just type some nonsense about that, did I?

Well... sometimes it's like that. Sometimes it's better. All in all... that'll sound banal too, but I'd rather to have known her and loved her, even with that... than not. Besides - not necessarily how it'll end up over there, but Cassie... she showed up. Again. Three years later, in which we didn't exactly keep in touch. And we're, I guess, kind of sort of trying to make it work again. Or, at all, since last time wasn't of any particular duration. But... yeah. Over doesn't always mean... over for good. Or something.

That... makes sense. But places are one thing and people are another. I never got to stick to any one place, so I even might be off about that, but ... I don't think so. You are where you need to be. That's not little, you know. *is so stuck into being where he is needed instead, that he might have forgotten what the other way around feels like...*

Eh. Don't worry about that.

I'm... that's good. I've done enough damage, I'd rather not ... keep on with that.

Uh. Thomas Aquinas and Paradise Lost. You know. Light, cheery reading. Quite good, actually, though.

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I don't want him to get the wrong idea or think I'm playing games. I mean, isn't it too soon to do that? Call him and pretend like everything is fine, or tell him the truth and that I miss him terribly. I know he's upset, I don't want to make matters worse just to ease my own heartache. After all, I am the one who left him.

I do wish he would call me though.

[locked]

I'm glad you are getting a second chance with your Cassie. I hope it works out well for you this time.

I don't know that things will ever be the same for Ro and I or even if they'll ever be right between us again. I'm a long way from wanting to be anywhere but Venice and I know he's about to go on tour. His life isn't going to wait for me and I won't begrudge him for finding someone new.

Not that I'll ever stop loving him. I knew from the first time we were together that he was the only one for me. How's that for cliche and saccharine sweet? Still, it's true. I don't want anyone else.

Oh, yes, that is cheerful. Would you like to read Hannibal next for a little taste of comedy?

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I... don't know. I'm not very good at the whole social calling type of thing, but that's because... usually people have their lives and we just come and go, a few days, a few weeks in a couple of cases, but usually... after a couple of conversations information starts only flowing one way or something like that. But... I don't know. I may be totally and completely wrong, but if you feel you've done him wrong... maybe you should be the one who makes the first step towards... improving things. Even if it's a wrong step.

... does he at least have your phone there? I mean, did you get a local mobile phone, and if so, does he have it? If not, you could use that as an excuse to call, you know. ... or this is just another stupid idea, I guess.

[locked]
I didn't expect that at all. I didn't... I don't think it's good for her either. But... I don't want to miss it. Any of it. Egoistical, isn't it?

Or maybe he won't find somebody else. I mean, I've not been exactly celibate or anything, but... certain people? There's nobody else like them that you meet. Usually, we have a bit of good time, and then we move separate way. Except for her. I ... well, again. I don't know your Ro. But if you set yourself up to fail... your chances to get something good going again drastically decrease.

You know. Sometimes cliché and saccharine are still good and true things. And, I say... probably not the same as they used to be, because things always change, but... it might turn out good in the end. Don't give up hope, you know. Or I'll end up quoting The Shawshank Redemption at you!

... Hannibal would be missing out on the topic a bit, but sure, why not. I'll have to look it up. With the rest of my list of book recommendations.

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[locked]

I was being sarcastic about the book, Dean. Hannibal is about as funny as Paradise Lost is cheerful.

I'm not setting myself up to fail, I'm being realistic this time around. I let the fantasy image of him, him and I, shape far too much of what I thought we had. I can't do that any more. I can't expect him to forgo a chance at a relationship and love on the off chance that we might some day try to pick up where we left off. I think that would be wholly selfish of me to want that.

Maybe she's good for you?

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[locked]

Uh, I tend to find stuff like Stephen King entertaining enough. That said... People, real live people can sometimes be just... not funny. *of course, Paradise Lost is grating for reasons way more personal than the general 'fall' theme...*

Huh. On the one hand, selfish or not... it is what you'd want. Whether you should hold him up to it is kinda different. On the other, do you know what he wants? Communication is a bitch, sometimes, but... not doing it is even worse. And hurts worse.

Yes, she is. And good to me. And the one time I tried to... tell her she'd be better off away from me ~~which is totally the case~~ - it hurt her. And I don't want that.
At least she has no doubts about the fact that I'm an idiot sometimes.

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