(no subject)

[sandandwater]

Leave a comment and I will:
a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
g) in return, you must post this on your own lj.

Comments

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

Hit me.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

a) I suppose because we have some common ground and you're a local which means we can actually spend time together.
b) Kittens, good wine and a sense of humor
c) You are a gracious hostess
d) Lunch last week?
e) Do you think you will ever stop wanting their approval?
f) http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/76828778/15327616

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

I've been less concerned with it lately than I have since I walked away, so maybe... someday.

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

[locked to Aryn]

I'll be envious if you do.

[locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I ever will, but I've been living for them for the last 8 years, thinking if I proved myself, they'd see they were wrong about me, but... it made me miserable. It's just another way of letting them control me. And I'm never going there again if I can help it. So I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting it, but I know I have to try.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I don't even necessarily want to prove them wrong, I'd like some acknowledgment that I exist and am more than a blemish to be covered up.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

If yours are anything like mine, it'll never happen. But there comes a time when you have to stop letting the way they say you define the way you see yourself. It's just another way that they control you.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Well, I certainly don't see myself the way they view me.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

Then it doesn't matter if you never get their approval. You don't need it. At least that's what my therapist says. Not quite sure I've managed to convince myself completely yet, but I'm working on it.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen or spoken to them in nearly seven years now, I don't suppose I ever will again. It would be nice to simply know that the two people who created me didn't hate me, that's all.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

Hopefully that'll go better for you than it has for me. Can't change it, though, so I'm learning to live with it. And not to care.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I never used to care, I think being around Ro and his family and seeing how...normal they are made me start to want some of the same for myself.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

You can have it. You just might have to be okay with it coming from a different source.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Where might that be?

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

You have to find it. It's like making your own family. It can come from anywhere you want to take it from.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I can. How do you know if someone wants you to be part of their family, what do you do when they finally decide you don't belong there either?

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

It's not so much knowing that someone wants you to be part of their family, but knowing that you want them to be part of yours. People you think of as family. What they think.

I think. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't want anyone to be part of my family, they aren't nice people.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

Not your biological one. The one you choose for yourself.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

I must seem incredibly dense, I know, but I simply haven't the faintest idea of where to even begin with that. I'm dating my best friend and I can't just insert myself into his family even if I don't know of any others like them.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

You don't have to insert yourself into someone else's family. It's like... when you think of someone being like a sister to you or like a mother, or like a father. You're not inserting yourself into their family, you're inserting them into yours. Even if you never tell them that's how you think of them, you know it. Sometimes, that's enough.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Except that I don't know what it's like to have siblings, I have no idea how a sister or brother should feel and I certainly don't know what maternal and paternal relationships should be.

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, it's what you wanted them to be.

Re: [locked]

[sand-andwater.livejournal.com]

Compassionate?

Re: [locked]

[bookish-blonde.livejournal.com]

It's not the same for everyone. I wanted them to love me for who I was, not who they wanted me to be.