[locked to those who know]
Jan. 20th, 2009 07:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sandandwaterI quit. I give up. I surrender.
The universe hates me. I get that now, I truly do.
If it's not something soul-crushingly painful and horrific, it's a million little inconsequential things that add up. I cannot catch a single, simple break. Ever. Everything I touch...I think I ruin everyone's lives. Always have, only I'm just now realizing this.
Mike called and left me a voice mail.
He can't keep Mr. Beaker for me any longer. The one thing I thought I wouldn't need to worry about was my puppy. I thought he was well-cared for and loved. I thought he had a new home with someone who would take the best care of him. My poor puppy. Mr. Beaker won't eat. He's destructive. Mike said he's lethargic and whines all the time. Sits by the front door and won't move.
That was the final straw, I think. I listened to his message and could hear Mr. Beaker whining in the background and my heart just broke. Shattered. Completely. It's enough to make me want to get on a plane and go get him. Of course Alessandro told me I was ridiculous.
And we fought. I hate it when we fight. When he yells at me like that. When he won't yell anymore and looks at me with those dark eyes and speaks so softly I can barely hear him over the sound of my own breathing. I hate it when he ignores me. I hate it when I let him down. Disappoint him. When he doesn't love me.
I don't know what to do any more. I've been in my room the last two days and I have cried until I can't cry any more. Been ill so often that there's nothing left inside to get rid of and my muscles ache from trying anyway. I can't stand being in my own skin anymore. I can't stand being me. I hate this. I hate it. It's just...it's hard. It's lonely. Empty.
It's worse than being trapped in that apartment with him. I feel just as tied. Just as helpless. Just as scared. The only difference is this time...this time I know no one cares. No one is looking for me or wondering where I am. There isn't anyone who will come save me and make it better.
This time, I did it to myself.
The universe hates me. I get that now, I truly do.
If it's not something soul-crushingly painful and horrific, it's a million little inconsequential things that add up. I cannot catch a single, simple break. Ever. Everything I touch...I think I ruin everyone's lives. Always have, only I'm just now realizing this.
Mike called and left me a voice mail.
He can't keep Mr. Beaker for me any longer. The one thing I thought I wouldn't need to worry about was my puppy. I thought he was well-cared for and loved. I thought he had a new home with someone who would take the best care of him. My poor puppy. Mr. Beaker won't eat. He's destructive. Mike said he's lethargic and whines all the time. Sits by the front door and won't move.
That was the final straw, I think. I listened to his message and could hear Mr. Beaker whining in the background and my heart just broke. Shattered. Completely. It's enough to make me want to get on a plane and go get him. Of course Alessandro told me I was ridiculous.
And we fought. I hate it when we fight. When he yells at me like that. When he won't yell anymore and looks at me with those dark eyes and speaks so softly I can barely hear him over the sound of my own breathing. I hate it when he ignores me. I hate it when I let him down. Disappoint him. When he doesn't love me.
I don't know what to do any more. I've been in my room the last two days and I have cried until I can't cry any more. Been ill so often that there's nothing left inside to get rid of and my muscles ache from trying anyway. I can't stand being in my own skin anymore. I can't stand being me. I hate this. I hate it. It's just...it's hard. It's lonely. Empty.
It's worse than being trapped in that apartment with him. I feel just as tied. Just as helpless. Just as scared. The only difference is this time...this time I know no one cares. No one is looking for me or wondering where I am. There isn't anyone who will come save me and make it better.
This time, I did it to myself.
