(no subject)

I haven't been to Alessandro's studio yet. I have spent many hours just sitting and talking with him--about everything. It's...well, it's been cathartic of sorts. He listens. He mulls it over. He doesn't judge. I'm sure I'll hear his thoughts and get more advice than I want from him sooner or later, but Alessandro, he takes his time to turn everything over before coming at you with what always seems like the most obvious answers you've never managed to come across on your own.

So we've talked.

I'd say we've caught up on each other's lives, but that's not true. I've always phoned and written to him. We've stayed in touch. This is just...deeper. More intimate. Honest. I've missed this. I've missed him. I've missed being here, in this city...in this house. I feel able to relax and let my guard down for the first time in months. It's liberating, I suppose.

I can't say I'm happy here but I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I just am. I feel like me. I feel like I'm home.

And I wonder why I didn't come back sooner.

[locked]

I also miss Ro. I miss knowing that I was part of an 'us' that particular us. It's so hard to go to sleep at night knowing he won't be coming in at some odd hour to curl up next to me, hold me close. That he isn't going to call just to say hello. It's really hard to know that he isn't mine any more and it's all because of me. I did this. I left. He's the only reason I stayed in New York as long as I did...I just couldn't stay there any longer, I was dying inside. Maybe I still am--it just feels a lot less painful here.

Except for Ro. I don't think he's ever going to not make my heart ache. Love rules without any rules. I keep telling myself that. I love him, I'm not with him but I love him. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I can't keep loving him, right?

No rules.

[/locked]

I do miss Mr. Beaker. I know Mike's taking good care of him, but I miss my brown-eyed puppy.

(no subject)

I'm only going to reference this once.

I left New York. I ended my relationship with Rory for reasons known quite well to him. I need space and time to sort some things out and I can't do that while being in a relationship with someone.

So yes, I'm the 'bad guy' here. How dare I need to put myself first for a while? I'm not going to discuss the particulars, it's not anyone's business other than my own, but does anyone honestly believe I'd leave the man I love without good reason?

Just because I made the decision to leave doesn't mean I'm not hurting too.