[locked from Rory]

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." -Emil Ludwig

Is that why we waited as long as we did? Ro kissed me Wednesday night; for the very first time, he kissed me. It was everything I wanted it to be, everything I didn’t know I wanted it to be and so many things in between that it’s hard to describe it in words, the way his kiss felt.

Oh, I can close my eyes and remember. It makes me smile. I get warm and tingly and I sigh as I recall the way his thumb and then his lips brushed over my mouth. He held me close. Kissed my face. Explored every part of me when he slipped his tongue into my mouth.

I can give up those details but I can’t really tell anyone what it

did

to me. The feeling of being set free. My heart deciding it was okay to love and trust and give to this man.

This man

. Ro. Until I met him, and I think it was probably the exact moment he first said ‘Hello, Pippa’, I didn’t even want this in my life. Not again. I didn’t want to be in love and I didn’t want the physical complications of love.

He changed that and without even trying, or realizing what he was doing. He didn’t pursue me or try to come on to me. There were no cheap passes made or inappropriate grabbing or leering. Nothing most of the guys I encounter at the Call usually pull. Rory Stone—he’s not like anyone else I’ve ever known. He’s genuinely kind. And talented. And just so…self-possessed I suppose. He does his thing and doesn’t seem to worry about how others view him. He has a sense of right and wrong, he adheres to it. And yes, he’s physically everything I find attractive. But it’s the sum of all this that made me start wondering,

wanting

, something more than the casual friendship we’d started when Breaker Street started playing at the club.

I know I didn’t say or do anything overt about my feelings for Ro, my crush that became so much more. I didn’t know how to or if I should. Had no idea if he’d ever even consider me that way. I once asked Kreske (the drummer) if Ro was gay. I just didn’t know and I needed to know if there was any chance before I let my heart get carried away any more than it already had. Even with my answer from someone who’s known him so much longer, I still didn’t think Ro saw me as anything more than a waitress.

Sure, I could have asked him but I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I’ve long learned my lesson about presuming I’m more in someone else’s eyes. Fear of hoping too much, I suppose. I wanted some sort of indication from him without my prompting. So I waited. And a silly incidental moment passed.

He asked me to dance.

The only music was whatever tune he decided to hum; the steps were uncomplicated things he made up as he went along. Then he asked me if I wanted to go out some time. Caught me by surprise with that one and he must of thought I was the flightiest person on Earth for the way I stumbled and stammered my response. But it was what I’d been waiting almost a year for. The okay to hope.

I don’t know that I can agree with this quote because, for me, Wednesday’s kiss (as beautiful and perfect as it was) wasn’t what changed our relationship. It was that dance.

It's always been a matter of...

Trust

Dictionary:
(trŭst) n.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

2. Custody; care.

3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.

4. a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
b. One in which confidence is placed.

5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

Trust is a funny thing, isn’t it? Just look at the definitions there. There’s one event in my life that all five of those meanings brings to mind. It’s not something I speak about to anyone. Not that it’s a great secret, it isn’t. It’s simply a private thing. A choice I made that isn’t up for debate so I think it’s better to not volunteer information about it for the most part. If you need to know, I’ve surely told you.

[locked from everyone save for Rory, who does know]

1. I trusted them with the most precious part of me: a child that was created, at least on my part, from an act of love and selflessness. I met them (and so many other prospective parents) long before I gave birth to that six pound, three ounce baby girl. There was just something about them from that first meeting that struck me, let me know I was doing the right thing in selecting them out of the sea of virtual strangers.

2. This one really goes without saying. They adopted her. Made her theirs. Gave her a family and the home she deserves.

3. I hope that she gives them the same. The loving bond between parent and child that they so longed for.

4. Me. I had to trust myself. And I do. I know I made the right, best, decision when I decided to continue the pregnancy. I know I did the right thing by giving her up as well. I’m happy that something beautiful and perfect came out of what turned into a lot of heartache. I’m so happy that I could change the lives of that couple for the better, that I could give that to a baby as well. And I know I did the best thing for myself by letting go and giving myself permission to start my life anew.

5. I trust that one day she’ll understand my choice, that I did it for her. Should her parents ever choose to tell her that she’s adopted, I trust that they will also tell her that she was special enough, loved enough by me to be given the best life I could assure for her. And that was the one she has now, with the people that wanted a child more than anything else and they wanted mine.

(no subject)

You Are 8% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm. Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

Hey Ro...What do you think?

Do Not Want

I used to think kids playing the recorder was the worst "music" ever. Wrong. Russian-American artists Vitaly Komar and Alex Melamid conducted a poll a few years back of the music people hated the most, like holiday music, harps and bossanova synths. And they've compiled all of that, and much, much more that into a single 23-minute long song odyssey of sonic suck. But you should listen to it. Why? Opera rapping. Opera. Rapping. Starts at the 1:40 mark. --gizmodo.com