picture prompts: pregnancy test and phone callJust call him. Tell him you need to see him.
Pippa sighed. There were many things troubling her of late and did she really want to blindside Rory with the latest? Then again, hadn’t she and her therapist been discussing the fact that she needs to open up to the people in her life if she wants them to better understand her? So…
She dialed his cell phone felt relief wash over her when she was automatically directed to the voicemail system. If his phone was off, he was likely on his bike en route somewhere. Maybe it would be easier this way, just talk. Talk and not have to worry about him asking questions, making comments or otherwise interrupting her train of thought. She could put it all out there and let him decide how to handle it. Something else the shrink said she needed to be better about doing.
“Hi, Ro. It’s Pippa. Of course it’s Pippa, who else calls you Ro? Um…look, I know I told you nothing was wrong earlier and that I didn’t want to talk. I just—Okay, there was—is, and I didn’t know how to bring it up, that’s all.
“Um…God.” There was a heavy sigh, “I still don’t. But I’m going to and I’m just going to talk so forgive me if I ramble and don’t make too much sense, I’m pretty sure you’ll call me later anyway—probably to tell me I’m crazy and you don’t want anything else to do with me but well, that’s just not anything I can help, I guess.”
Nervous, she definitely sounded nervous as her voice trembled, cracked intermittently through her next words. “If I seemed out of sorts the last few days, more than I have been, there’s a reason for that. You see I’m late. Late.
And I never am, you know. Like clockwork, always on time…every month…part of the joy of having an IUD and not having to remember to take a pill every day and it is actually easy to forget because I don’t have to think about it…didn’t, but then I realized...
“Okay, I really am rambling. Sorry.” She took a few deep breaths and forced herself to calm down. “I realized how off I was and then I thought…oh, God…it occurred to me that I could be pregnant.” There was a pause, a painful one as she wiped away a stray tear. “I’m not. I promise you, I’m not. So very, very not.”
Okay, so she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
“I took one those stupid home pregnancy tests and it was negative but I wasn’t going to trust that it was right so I made an appointment for a blood test with my doctor’s office and no, not pregnant. She thinks it’s just stress and weight loss and well…hell, doesn’t that make more sense anyway, given everything?” Laughter of the nervous, embarrassed sort. “I told her that was great news.
“Then I came home and cried. Aren’t I just the most idiot thing ever? I cried about it. I don’t know why. I was terrified that she was going to tell me I was pregnant. I spent the last two days wondering what in the world I was going to say to you if I was. Afraid of what you’d say or want me to do and all I could think about was the last time and I couldn’t, I can’t…I didn’t want to go through that again, Ro. I didn’t. And I know, I know you aren’t Edward and I know
you wouldn’t have been hurtful or hateful about it but I was still scared…that I’d somehow end up losing you over this for being an irresponsible little twit.”
Pippa was quiet again,save for the sound of her breath and a sniffle or two, the rustle of tissue again skin as she dabbed at more tears. “I wanted to talk to you about this earlier, I did, but I didn’t think I could do so without falling apart. Hah…like I’m doing such a great job of keeping it together right now, right? I am such a screwed up mess, Ro. I don’t know what to think or feel and part of me really wanted her to tell me that the test was positive. Insane, I know. This is the worst possible time to even think about something like that.
“And we’ve never even really discussed it, or anything close to it and here I am…a stupid, sobbing mess over not being pregnant when I should be relieved. I should be so happy that I’m not, and I’m not. Why aren’t I? I don’t even want children. I haven’t wanted them…I’m not fit to be anyone’s mother, I think I proved that already. I had a baby and I gave her away without even looking at her. Who does that? Who does
“Oh, Ro…I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this except that I guess I just need to know. I need to know that you’d have still loved me and that you’d have still wanted to be with me. I need to know that you wouldn’t have been mad me.”
She hung her head, shook it as she silently chastised herself for putting all of this on him, and over the phone. “I’m sorry, Rory. I keep having to say this to you lately, don’t I? You know what, just…just delete this and forget about it, okay? We both know I shouldn’t make phone calls when I’m upset. Or drinking or…maybe I should just…I’m just going to go. Call me if you want to, I don’t care how late it is.”
Pippa Kerr//Last Call//950